Saddest Goodbye

I remember the moment I fell… we were at the dog park and you were play chase with Rosco. I watched from a distance and I had a moment where I was overcome with warmth and I felt love. I think you might have felt for me for about 5 minutes, then you let go. I can’t undo feelings of love quite so quickly. We proceeded on, but I was sex only. No feeling. I’ve continued for over 3 years to love you. But accepted sex only.

I remember the moment, on my couch when you informed me you were moving. I felt my heart sink. I could fool myself up until then that I kind of mattered to you, but any fool would finally get it that I meant nothing really. The night you texted me that you wanted to start a new life I knew it was my reality check that I had to let go. You have no idea how much I cried in my grief. Alone. Too embarrassed to be vulnerable with you to sincerely share how deeply sad I was.

It tears me up but I can’t share my body with you anymore. I make love, for you it’s just sex. You’ve never led me to believe it was anything more. I take responsibility for living in la la land with you.

I love you and probably always will. I met you 2 days after the worst time in my life, losing my sister. You hold a special place in my heart. I always want nothing but the best for you, I want you to feel for someone how I feel for you. Genuine love. Hopefully she’ll be a Broncos fan 🙂

He came back…

Mystery “friend” reappeared… for a bit… came to town to visit his mother and sent me a text. He came over last Monday night and it was good to see him, but it will never be the same. My heart, and mind have shifted. I love him. I will always love him, his presence helped me through the worst event in my life, thus far… the death, unexpected death of my 59 year old sister. My last words to my sister were “I love you, you have no idea how much.” Debbies was gone within a few hours. She had a brain aneurysm. It’s been 3 years and 3 months.

I met my friends two days after my sister passed. He helped me through this dark time. It’s my observation he is not the deepest thinking person, but he put a smile on my sad face. It’s amazing how I can make love out of nothing. He didn’t love me. He never did. Why I put up with his cruel, disrespectful behavior for so long was my attachment to the memory of when he entered my life. He served a purpose during that time, but that time is long gone. I have not heard from him since seeing him Monday, which is of no surprise. I’m sure he has many women that mean nothing to him, on a heart level.

I release him with my heart, and wish him a joyful life. I will always have my memories, but today I have my reality.

Love is painful sometimes. But I wouldn’t change my naive heart for anything. I cry, I negotiate, I release and I accept. I’ll do it all over again.

Peace out.

 

 

I am not playing the victim, I am playing the human.

When someone you love, very much, disappears. I am so powerless in this situation.  You had this planned, unbeknownst to me. 

With each passing moment, I feel better and better.

Grieving the loss comes and goes. I bet you haven’t thought twice about me.

I have to accept your decision, I must accept it for my Peace of mind, but I don’t have to like it.

Deep, deep crying…

I’ve essentially spent the weekend on my couch.I convinced myself to do some chores Sunday afternoon. While hyperfocused playing games on my tablet, I would just start deep, tears running down my face, crying. These are tears of a person in a deep grievig cycle. I met Frank two days after my sister passed away unexpectedly 3 years ago. Though it was the worst time of my life, to date, Frank and I fell for each other. I couldn’t get enough of him. I thought he felt the same. After about a month into our relationship, he pulled a 180. He became very moody and played the “come here, go away” game. It broke my already broken heart, from losing my sister. I asked Frank what was wrong and I got the ole, I got scared speech. 

Well, we contined seeing each other, we are very sexually attracted to one another. Over time, it turned into a friends with benefits relationship. 

Going foward 3 years, I suspect I am still in love with Frank. I don’t know if it’s deep sadness and sorrow I’m experiencing today because Frank moved to Colorado last week, or if I’m finally grieving my sisters death. 

Frank was over at my house 2 Monday’s ago, we made love and hung out afterwards. I made us popcorn and we cuddled on my bed. It came time for him to leave and at my door I asked if I’d see him again before he headed out to Colorado and he started nervously, quickly heading for my door and was saying how busy he was going to be, he gave me a quicker hug than usual, and went on his way. I haven’t heard from him since. I suspect he knew that was it. There was no lingering, heartfelt goodbye… he simply went on his way.

Two weeks later and it’s over, the end. I’m left sitting in my deep sadness, feeling deeply rejected and abandoned. To go from texting and talking and seeing each other throughout the week, to complete silence. I am so inflated. I just don’t understand how people just dispose of one another. I know I will never see him again, and at some point, I must reach some level of acceptance. I am heartbroken.